Patient with the name 'Regus Patoff' Doe, mom said he was named after the guy who makes everything (Reg. U.S. Pat. Off.)
A child with eczema had crustaceans in his ears.
The mother said her child had the whole evacuation at the Child Development Center.
A medical student was asked where you find men with XYY chromosomes, her response was: "In penile institutions".
"My son has an 'upperatory rest infection'."
"My penis has changed colors"
"He may have drank a whole bottle of 'Fema bottletop'." (Phenobarbital)
"I take 'Premium'" = Premarin.
"My hands tingle when I take a dump."
Triage Nurse: "Have you had a productive cough for more than three weeks?" Patient: "Well, I'm illiterate, so it's hard for me to say."
"I have 'Metro Valve Prolapse'" (Must be an urban condition)
"I had heart problems several years ago... My doctor said they were 'atrial tribulations'."
A woman coming in for a routine blood pressure check asked, "So next time I need my Castor Oil level checked, right?" (cholesterol)
A woman I was about to put on antibiotics complained that she always got a yeast infection when she took antibiotics. Then she looked at me and said, "I know this sounds gross, but when I get a yeast infection, I just put yogurt up there and it helps the itching and it seems to get better quicker". I looked at her with my best straight face and asked, "fruit at the bottom"?
He's been having urinary 'consonants'. (hmmm....I wonder if he has vowel movements too)
Mom: "I thought he might have infectious 'JUNK-O-VITIS', but he didn't have any junk coming out of his eyes."
A 3 y/o patient was sent to the ER from a private MD's office because he felt she would need to be sedated to have her laceration repaired. At the triage window the mom announced, "I have a 3 y/o here that needs to be seduced to get stitches".
My doctor gave me teflon perles for my cough. (Tessalon perles)
RN: Do you take any medications? PT: Yes, I take a heart pill and a blood thinner. RN: So you have a heart condition? PT: Yes, I have a 'spacemaker'.
I've got 'gouge'. (gout)
A patient came to an ER in California to see if the crystal she wore was the right one for her. The MD's response was, "I'm not sure but I expect that if you think you have the right crystal, then you do."
"I have slurred vision".
Report from nursing home RN: "The patient is severely demeniated" (demented).
An internist was called to the ER to evaluate a patient with chest pain. The pain was described as stabbing (not typical of cardiac pain) but the ER doc (not me!) thought it needed further work up. I don't know what other associated symptoms the patient reported, but the internist in the course of the physical exam, found....a stab wound in the chest!
It said on the bottle to consult a fisican.
"I take the GENETIC of 'Darvon' for my pain."
An elderly man in bed in the hospital (with a urinal in place, beneath his gown) said to his wife "I need to whiz". And she replied "Go ahead, you've got your jiggle in a jug".
I've had a "tuber grashon". (tubal ligation)
A resident went to examine a pediatric pt in the ER whose first name was KRIC. He asked the mother what was wrong with the pt, he pronounced the name "Crick", mom corrected him and said "It's pronounced 'Eric'". The resident responded "Well K-R-I-C would spell "Crick". Mom explained to him that her sister had told her you could spell Eric with a 'K'.
"I've been vomiting stuff that tastes like when you eat your earwax."
His fever got up to "one-o-three point twelve".
Family member to paramedic... "We've been doing Cardio-preliminary Resurrection for about 10 minutes now."
She's been sweating profusioiusly.
A 20y/o man presented to the ER with complaints of burning pain in his right thigh, and a foul odor. Triage nurse noted smoke coming from his pants leg. The patient reached in his pocket and pulled out a LIT cigarette and exclaimed "I thought I put that out!"
His left ear hurts and he's been "snarfing". (I don't know, but I imagine it's some kind of noise)
I've got a skin "corruption".
Ana-proxy = Anaprox
Incompetence = Incontinence
Freakin' urination = Frequent urination
Crozone injections = Cortisone injections
Wheezeling = Wheezing
Muculous = Mucus
"I had glazer surgery for my chronicle glycora."=I had laser surgery for my chronic glaucoma.
"My baby can't have caught colic, she hasn't been out of the house yet."
Fleem = Phlegm
"When I burp, bowel comes up." = When I burp, bile comes up.
Pillicillin = Penicillin
Augusticin = Augmentin
Hydra hernia = Hiatal hernia
Ministration = Menstruation
Hyena hernia = Hiatal hernia
Smilin' Mighty Jesus = Spinal Meningitis(this one is well known)
Vomiking = Vomiting
Patient states she put cotton balls in her ears to make her sinuses drain.
Sockafus = Esophagus
Tubicle baby = Tubal pregnancy
An 18m/o boy was brought to the ER after having fallen in the bathtub and was found "unresponsive" (pulseless?). Dad started CPR and called 911. Unwilling to wait for the ambulance Dad loaded the child in his car and raced towards the ER at speeds in excess of 100mph, while doing chest compressions on the boy lying, unrestrained, in the front seat. He lost control of his car and rolled it over into a creek. Miraculously the boy came to. In the ER after finding that his son was OK the father stated, "It's a good thing I knew what I was doing!"
Prostrate = Prostate (this one is common)
Q: Is there a history of heart disease in your family? A: Well, my grandmother had a little vagina.
Thrash = Thrush
MD: Do you drink alcohol? Pt: I drink a little on the weekends? MD: What's a little, a six-pack? Pt: You mean BEER too?... Well I drink a case a day. MD: Then what's your "little" on the weekends? Pt: A case to a case and a half plus a fifth of hard liquor each day. MD: THAT'S a LITTLE!?! Pt: Well my friends drink a lot!
A 24y/o male had his Social Security Number tatoo'd around his anus. (I don't know why, but at least someone found a use for it)
Tatoo on a prostitute, just above the pubic area: NADA FOR NADA
Another tatoo, same body location, different patient: GATEWAY TO HEAVEN
My nature's down = Impotent
Tatoo on a lady's buttocks: In Case of Rape, Please Turn over
When asked if she had anything at home with which to treat her asthma, a woman said, "Yes, I have a defibrillator." MD:You mean a nebulizer? Pt: Yeah, that's it.
A 62y/o man was brought to the ER with a cucumber in his rectum. The man emphatically denied he knew how it got there. After it was removed, the wife (who was trusting but obviously doubted her husbands ignorance) asked the surgeon how it got there. The surgeon replied, "Well ma'am, your husband needs to chew his food better."
I haven't "demonstrated" in 3 months.
I might be "stagnant"
"I've been in bed with a doctor for 2 nites and he hasn't done me any good yet."
After removing a battery powered vibrator from the rectum of a 55y/o man, the surgeon told him that if he used one that plugged into the wall, he might not have this problem.
High anus hernia = Hiatal hernia
A 50 woman came to the ER with complaints of a roach in her left ear. The woman had tried to wash it out of her left ear by pouring water in the right ear to "wash it through".
"Can you check my alcohol pressure?"
Sick as hell anemia = Sickle cell anemia
High blood = Hypertension Low blood = Anemia Bad blood = Syphilis Sweet blood = diabetes
My son has an edible complex.
"My doctor does urethral digitations on me."
"I've been bleevin' and passin' clogs."
Infantigo = Impetigo (really common)
Fibrillatory seizures = Febrile seizures
"I have barnicle pneumonia"
Nigra listenin' = Nitroglycerin
A & M Pee Clinic = AM/PM Clinic
Status ulcer = Stasis ulcer
Ass-essed tooth = Abscessed tooth
20y/o female noticed spontaneous bruises over both lower extremities. No history of trauma or even exercise. She went to a clinic where she was evaluated and sent her to the ER where she could be worked up for a possible bleeding disorder. Upon exam pt was noted to have extensive bruises from the knees down, however it was also noted that the pt had been wearing purple sweats. The bruises wiped off with a wet rag.
Chicken breath = Short of breath
Information pills = Inflamation pills
Old timers disease = Alzheimer's disease
Texas-cycloline = Tetracycline
Elipepsy = Epilepsy
"My vaginal discharge is so heavy that I have to change my underwear EVERYDAY! (yuk! Don't invite her to the pool party!)
While working with a 3 y/o girl with febrile seizures, one Christmas Eve. The mom, who was understandably distraught, asked frantically (with a heavy southern accent), "But doctor, why is she seizin' why is she seizin'?!? As I looked up at the nurse that was helping me, I noticed her Xmas button that read "Jesus is the reason for the Season". I kept my mouth shut.
Technical shot = Tetanus shot
"I can't take a water pill, it messes up my electric lights."
"I was watching "Star Trek" and the understanding of the universe came to me." (A quote from a psychotic pt)
"She just had her shots last week, she had her MMR and her DHLP." (If you don't understand that one, ask your vet)
"I'm on depakote because I have cancer of my scoliosis."
RN: (at triage desk) Do you have any medical problems we should be aware of? Pt:No. RN: Do you take any medications? Pt: Yes, I take a fluid pill for water around my heart. I take a sugar pill. And I take a pill for high blood pressure. RN: So you have Congestive Heart Failure, Diabetes, and Hypertension. Pt: Yea, I do.
"I don't think it's my heart, I don't have any pain, it just hurts."
Flea bites = Phlebitis
A man who had a history of cardiac arrhythmias requiring electrocardioversion collapsed at home. His wife was somewhat familiar with this and ran to the neighbors house screaming, "Help, someone call the paramutuals to come jump start my husband".
I need to "sparkle". = I need to urinate.
A woman with a rash stated she thought she had poison oak. When asked why she thought it was poison oak she said, "because there are a lot of oak trees in our yard".
A 28y/o man with a penile discharge complained of "My pee-gina is leaking".
Sine-yule-nitis = Sinusitis (sounds Christmas-ish, doesn't it?)
Hospital employee presents to ER with complaint of right foot pain... She dropped the safety manual on it.
While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 90+y/o man (he got his hand caught in a gate while working his cattle), we were discussing Clinton's health care reform ideas. The old man said "Well, ya know old Clinton's a post turtle". So, of course, I asked him what a "post turtle" was. And he said "When your driving down a country road, and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle. You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he can't get anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help the poor thing down."
Tracheobursitis = Tracheobronchitis
While examining an obese woman a third year medical student moved the patients left breast to the side in order to listen to her heart. Beneath her breast he found a sandwich in a ziplock bag. The patient stated "Oh yeah, I forgot about that."
This one is REALLY DISGUSTING...
A male prisoner was brought back to the hospital to have his colostomy re-anastomosed.
He asked if he could keep it. Further exam revealed venereal warts on both his
colostomy and his mucus fistula. (It was apparent he was making a little extra
money "on the side".)
A mother brought her 10 day old baby into the ER. The umbilical cord had fallen off and she was concerned because "there's a hole there now".
A thirteen year old girl came to the ER with complaints of nausea and vomiting. She was found to be pregnant. She denied ever having had sex. When confronted with the fact that she had to have had sex to be pregnant (barring the possibility of a second emaculate conception) she said that she shares a bed with her older sister who often has sex with her boyfriend, and she "might have gotten splashed with some".
During my residency in Florida,
we received a call from an outside ER physician about a 3y/o near drown victim
that was still comatose. On a call back to that ER to get further informaton,
the conversation went like this:
Resident: I need some more information about the comatose patient.
ER Nurse: What comatose patient?
Resident: Don't you have a near drown patient there.
ER Nurse: Yes, but that's him you hear screaming behind me.
Resident: May I speak with the ER physician again please.
ER MD: Yes?
Resident: About your comatose patient.
ER MD: Yes?
Resident: Is that him I screaming behind you?
ER MD: Uh... Well...He wakes up when he's stimulated.
Similar situation to above. An ER MD wanted to transfer a 3w/o infant with possible sepsis. He had done no labs, given no medications, and wanted to send the child 45min by private vehicle to the children's hospital. When he was told the labs, cultures, and LP needed to be done immediately, so that the first doses of antibiotics could be given prior to transfer, and that IV access was critical, his response was.. "Baby too sick for IV".
From insurance form, patient wrote... "I have low back pain caused by a herniated dick".
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